Disappointing Him

Kaya made a post about a thread on FetLife and being devastated when you disappoint your Master.

I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.

When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)

Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.

So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.


PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.

Freshly....

I am sitting here a little fuzzy. Fuzzy is good! Well this kind of fuzzy at least! Master came into my studio earlier with his hard cock hanging out of his underwear. Of course that got my attention. He came to see what I was doing - let me finish that. And then grabbed me by the hair and pushed my mouth down to his cock. After just a few moments of sucks and licks, he was dragging me off to the bedroom.

He stopped me in the living room and pulled my shirt off before having me hold my hands behind my neck while he pulled the rest of my clothes off. And then marched me to the bedroom where he proceeded to use me in such delicious ways.....lots of holding my head to down on his cock to that I would choke, pulling my hair, squeezing my throat, slapping, punching, grabbing and squeezing various bits with fingers digging into my flesh and then rinse and repeat. After giving him a blow job, he smear his cum on my face and then pushed me on to my back spread my legs and grabbed, pulled, twisted with fingers digging into my cunt. He would touch soft and tenderly and then suddenly my cunt would be on fire from the pain searing through it as he tortured me. I of course didn't come when he was touching my softly....no no no...I came when he was hurting the hell out of me.

When I got up, I had that freshly fucked look down pretty good. Hair wildly going every way, hanging in my eyes, sticking to my face where it had dried in the cum....oh yes...freshly fucked indeed.

Thank you Violet Blue

I am terribly flattered that Violet Blue has visited my tumblr and recommended it to her readers. If you don't know her, please go check out her blog. She is one of those people that I am sure if I ever met I would be doing a fangirl squee as she is a notorious sex educator that I have read and admired for years.

As she said on the post about my tumblr, I do try to credit. If you find an image there that isn't credited and you recognize, please feel free to let me know by emailing me at danaewhispering@yahoo.com. I do really want to promote and recognize the talented people who turn me on! Also if you find an image that is yours and you don't want it posted here, please feel free to email me - I will take it down as soon as I get your email.

So thank you Violet Blue for recommending my tumblr and welcome to all the visitors she has sent my way...to my blog and my tumblr.

Teased and Tormented

I was having a conversation with a good friend recently about how it turns me on to see Master masturbate and not be able to touch him. He has several times put me in the cage and then masturbated on the bed. So I could see him but I couldn't reach him. I have a vivid memory of this one time...after he had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess he did that. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was HOT. Just thinking about it now makes me breath hard.

So the other day Master had an afternoon appointment but right before it he took me to the bedroom and put the pvc open mouth hood on me and had me get busy with his balls while he masturbated. It turned me on to hear him...the sound of his hand on his cock. The noises he makes. The smell...of sex. And although I was touching him - still felt like I was being teased and denied...tormented. After Master orgasmed, he got up and took a shower and told me to masturbate. It just felt very much like an object. I wasn't necessary for his pleasure but just added when he feels like using me for his pleasure. Like an after-thought.

The conversation with my friend came about as she mentioned she would like to watch Master and I have sex and I told her no no no....that my fantasy was to be tied to a chair or locked in the closet or cage while he had sex with her. To watch and be teased and tormented by watching them.

I posted a picture on my tumblr recently and wrote about the memory that came with it....basically it is a girl tied up outside a door. And it reminded me of when I was in the poly household and he restrained me. And then went into the bedroom and played and had sex with another one of his slaves I could hear them while I laid on the floor outside the door. It was very erotic not moving and not seeing but only hearing them. When they came out, they walked past me like I wasn't even there.

It has been an ongoing fantasy I play over and over again in my head with Master....of him fucking another. Sometimes I am in the room sometimes I am not. Sometimes I don't know about it until after. And any way I come up with it....it turns me on. It teases and torments me....physically but I can't wait to feel it emotionally too. I know it will feel different with Master.

Daily Om - Actions

I like Daily Om's not only for just my spiritual growth and well-being but also how I can relate them back to my service. I think this Daily Om is one of those that works well for my service. Italicizing the part that really stood out for me.

Considering Others
Reaffirming Our Integrity

Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.

Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.

With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.

When I was first learning to please Master and put him first, I often did the task above where I took one thing to focus on. Such as just trying to be aware of his drink and if it was filled. And simply being aware of it and doing it. Because sometimes I got overwhelmed with it all so just focusing on one thing helped me slow down. Eventually that spread out to each task and it became habit.

9 Years of Blogging

It has been 9 years of blogging for me! Wow! I am not sure I ever thought I would blog this long. I know my posts have become less and less over the years but I still glad I have this place. And I hope to continue to post for a long time to come.

I am thankful for everyone that reads. Thank you for the emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Listy Update

I have been really busy so I feel like I am out of touch with everything. By the time I do have a moment to sit here and do a post, my concentration sucks. So....you are getting a listy update....

* When Master's parents were here one time we watched Bank Job which was very sexual. And very embarrassing to watch in front of them. The last time we were in Denver, Master's parents had a NetFlix and asked us if we wanted to watch. I hadn't heard of it before. It was a movie with Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor - both of who we like. And it was just as bad. It was Deception. So now another movie to put on the list of never watch with your parents.

* It was my birthday Sunday. At midnight of the 18th - Master had a scavenger hunt. There were clues inside and outside the house. And it lead to several presents on the way to the end. It was fun! The ending gift was season 1 of True Blood.

* An obsession lately is porn. Yes porn. I have been surfing tumblrs - lots of them with porn I enjoy. I have been posting to mine also.

* We have a shelving unit that sits in the hall outside Master's office and when I decorated for Halloween I put 3 little plastic skeletons. Before Master's parents got here - Master kept moving the skeletons into lewd positions. Every time I went past for several days they were in another position. I kept worrying we would forget and leave them like that for his parents visit but luckily that wasn't the case.

* Thanks to Fleshbot for putting me in their weekly round up for my last post. I miss being an escort and really should write about some of my favorite moments before I forget them.

* I have been reading an old elist group on yahoo. It has been interesting and entertaining. A quote from one of the posts:

"...I think, that consent is part of the power rush to me. My reasoning is this: any buffoon with sufficient muscle power can force himself upon another person and "dom" him or her against their will. Getting the "victim" to come to you, open-eyed and wanting it... now that's doing it in style." J. Mikael Togneri

That is about it for now.

Would He Dare?

There is a gift in someone who dares to be so rough with me. Most men would never dare. I need to know that a man will be so bold, that at least he is capable of this sort of wielding. Then I can trust him. The flimsy men, the ones who would never dare to hurt me, to see me flinch, to bend me over and take me anywhere, anytime; I have no use for. Their trepidation is suffocating to me. And reflective of their behavior outside the bedroom. It always is. You can tell a lot about someone by how they fuck: Timid or decisive. Experimental or staid. Hard-driving and fierce or languid and droopy. My selection criteria is all about this crucial element: Can this man take charge? Does he dare? "6" The 400 Blow from Beautiful, Depraved

When I was an escort, I often wondered that before I met a new client. I wondered if they would take charge or be timid. Most of the men were kind of in middle ground. They didn't want to tell me what to do but they wanted me to be a slut. The bigger slut I was the more they were turned on. Begging, eager, lustful, passionate, attentive, wanton, wet and ready to do anything and they would become repeat clients who tipped. And well I like sex and liked my job so often I was able to pull all those things off pretty easily. It was exciting and I often got turned on with anticipation before the client even walked in the door.

I had a few clients that dared...they took charge. And were rough in a good way. I would leave feeling well used and spent. One of those clients was an older man that I have wrote about before. He was close to 70. And he had a beautiful huge cock. And would take me in many ways.

Let me back up a bit....and post something I wrote about before....

There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the "community." He did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and spanking but that was about it.

So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Very few of them from the bottom and several from the top. For the most part it is as I said above most of them just wanted someone who enjoyed sex and was very wanton. But I did have a few that wanted to do some BDSM elements in our time together. And one of those gentlmen is the one I mentioned above...he talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was unusual as they usually were to shy to bring it up right away. It would take a few appointments before many of the men would mention the BDSM. But this gentlemen did and he had a reference for me to call one of the other girls in the community. He didn't say in his email what he was wanting but he mentioned the interview so I knew it was something more then just a regular appointment. But I told him I would have to meet him first.

So on our first date/appointment he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really the norm. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.

As I said he was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He wasn't bad looking. And so we sat and he proceeded to tell me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and/or after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise and talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left. It was pretty mild the first time. I knew he was just testing the waters as I was too.

After that though all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him. I would be dressed in something sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. And then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). Or push me to my knees to give him a blow job. And then it moved to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. He pulled my hair. He was very forceful in how he handled me - pushing me to the bed, spreading my legs, holding my mouth to his cock and so on. Often he did spanking and of course talk dirty to me also. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!

So for some randomness about him...

* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion that I orgasm from vaginal sex) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.

* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.

* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He liked kind of role playing that I had done something bad at school and now came home to get punished. Or that I had been showing off my tits and pussy to the boys and school and he wanted me to show him how I did that. I never thought with someone just who was really a stranger - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I did with him. Previously all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me as he was older and realistically could have had a daughter my age. And I never expected that it would turn me on in the ways it did because of my past.

* I have many fond memories of him. All his appointments left me very wet. I will also always remember him for another reason - because I was with him on 9/11 and we didn't have the tv on so I found out after. Later when I was checking out of the hotel room. It was such a good appointment. I came out so happy and excited just replaying it in my head moments after he left. It was a roleplay day with me as a school girl and him as Daddy finding out I was a bad girl at school. So I have these vivid memories because of the fun we had but coming out and knowing that while I was having all that fun - tragedy was striking the USA....well it is odd to think about. It is also one of those questions I always have to tiptoe around when people ask where I was when I found out. I wonder if he thinks of me on 9/11 like I think of him.

* Overall - our appointments were some of my favorite. He dared and it turned me on. It was the whole package of how he looked, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.


(Thank you Fleshbot for putting this entry in the weekly roundup)

Giveaway on Domestic Servitude

Please go enter the giveaway on Domestic Servitude for the book Once-a-Month Cooking Family Favorites.

See my review of the book here: REVIEW on DOMESTIC SERVITUDE

September Round Up

What’s been happening with the Domestic Servitude blog the past month? Here's a quick snapshot of our September posts.

Recipes
Peach Coffee Cake
Steak Marinade
Sausage and Potato Skillet/Bake
Scotcheroos
Apple-Pecan-Craisin Salad


Links
Marinades, Rubs and Barbecue Sauce
Green Newsletter
Newsletters
Free Samples
September Friday Favorites - Sept 4, Sept 11, Sept 18, Sept 25


Book Reviews
The Bread Lover's Bread Machine Cookbook
The Naturally Clean Home
Great Coffee Cakes, Sticky Buns, Muffins & More


Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts
2 Weeks Worth of Menus
Organizing Finances and Home Filing System
Travel Packing Tips


PEEK AHEAD at OCTOBER
Fall Cleaning Lists
Halloween Wreath
and a giveaway that will be posted on Monday

Flagg

I am so shocked....I knew he was really having a hard time of it. But I had hope. So it came as a surprise.

Flagg is someone who I am sure affected many people's lives including mine. The community has lost a very special person. I know that he helped me gain perspective on what I really wanted. His words made sense in a way that had been cloudy to me before. And the way his mind worked was extraordinary - rational, evil, funny...inspiring on so many levls. His words always resonated with me. And I sit here being thankful for what he gave me. But am so sad that he is gone.

Fall Cleaning

Just wanted to pop in to and say I am alive....

Last week we were in Denver. And the week before we were sick. Then while in Denver I started to get the cold coming back. So came home not feeling well and just trying to get back on track. And on top of it I have been struggling with a pulled muscle - in an odd place - my bottom. It really is funny to think about it but not really funny living with it as it hurts no matter what I do - lay down, sit down, bend over - everything makes it hurt.

Yesterday I started my fall cleaning. I didn't get as much accomplished as I would have liked by the pain slowed me down somewhat. But I did get something done that I didn't in my spring cleaning and that was cleaning out all the bathroom cupboards and shelves. I have a huge bag of stuff to throw. And I reorganized hopefully a way that things won't get piled up.

I feel I have lots I could write about but mostly I am quietly mulling things over. And just feel worn out so not up to writing.

While coming home from Denver, I was reading Better Basics for the Home: Simple Solutions for Less Toxic Living by Annie Berthold-Bond and Master asked me about it and then told me if I want to step up my more natural way of cleaning that he is willing to put the investment into some products. I have done basics - vinegar, baking soda, tea tree oil but I have wanted to make more products. And if it saves money which is one benefit Better Basics for the Home talked about then he is all for it.

I have been checking out quite a few books on greener living lately. I checked out two books by Danny Seo that are about green entertaining and gift wrapping. And I really enjoyed both of them. (Longer reviews of them will be coming up in October on Domestic Servitude blog.)

Well that is all for now.

My Tumblr

Just a FYI...I have been trying to post random adult photos I find/enjoy on my tumblr again and I hope to keep that a daily to at least several times a week thing.

Nathon Fillon

very amusing Nathan Fillon...

Service Book of Days

I wrote this yesterday morning but forgot to post....so posting now.

* Outside my window...it is fairly sunny today after raining so much yesterday

* my thoughts...are on the tasks ahead of me today

* Today's Quote..."Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle, Philosopher

* i am thankful for...the library. I have checked out a lot of books on making bath products as it is what I would like to make for gifts this holiday season.

* From my service training... making excellence a habit.

* From the kitchen... I have put this weeks menu up at Domestic Servitude.

* i am wearing...Jean skirt and red-t-shirt

* i am creating...some work related stuff for Master

* my adventures this week... we are at home this week and I am thankful for that as we will be going out of town soon for a week or longer.

* Becoming well read... books on making bath products and also a Christmas craft book

* i manifest and co-create... excellence and how do I apply that in my service to Master.

* Today's Melody... Melissa Etheridge's SKIN

* One of my favorite things... water - I drink it all day long. It feels refreshing after scrubbing the floor and cleaning the bathroom.

* further plans for this week... cleaning and getting ready for when we go out of town. And keeping in my thoughts - excellence.

* Still....life
a picture I took while in Minnesota...